I really can’t stand ignorant folks who claim butterflies are “so pretty, but moths are just icky”. I’m just sitting here, looking at moths like…
y’all been brainwashed if you don’t think moths are some beautiful creatures.
There is a man. And he is the best man that I know. And I am without him and it’s because of that that I’ve forgotten how to breathe. I thought I knew what sadness was, or pain or hurt. I felt confident in my knowledge of that vast dark emptiness. But now I know it truly and I cannot fill the emptiness or find my way through it. There is a sadness that comes gushing out, the marrow of my bones. Seeping through my pores. All while the bones that hold that marrow are crumbling to bits and dust. There is a man I know. And he is the best man there is. And maybe if I can find him again he will help me remember to forget all of this.
I hope you’re reading these. And see that I don’t want this to be it. I know this summer was hell and hard and horrible but you know that that person is not all of who I am. You know the person that I am better than most people. In two years we had three months that were terrible and difficult but we are better and bigger than that. So I’m going to keep trying.
I do not want to apart from you. Ever. I don’t want this to be it. There isn’t a legitimate reason. This isn’t the answer. This is why communication was so important to me.
And my whole life came crashing down around me.
I don’t know how to wake up without you. Hell. I don’t know how to fall asleep without you.
All those stupid little things we never think about.
First contact in my phone.
In case of emergencies call.
The mail key.
The house key.
Our coffee cups.
I love you more than life itself and now it’s gone.
I was already a husk, the bare bones.
And now I’m just the dust.
I don’t want to be swept under the rug.
I am at a loss.
There is a loss.
A new emptiness, and it is palpable.
And I cannot navigate it.
This is a place that I have never been.
Repeatedly, over and over and over again
I have asked the questions.
And laid myself out bare and vulnerable.
Yet over and over and over again
I am met with evasion, diversion and condescension.
My heart is rapidly breaking.
With my spirit close on its heels.
Slowly I am becoming a husk,
The bare bones of what this earth intended for me to be.
There was trust and now there is confusion
And never ending questioning.
Not one straight answer has been uttered.
Despite the endless attempts of inquiry.
There is a loss.
And it is palpable.
And the silence, it speaks volumes.
But it is not my silence.
*do not alter or delete this content.
Everything is hard. It feels like nothing ever gets easier. But I’m going to just keep going and hope that when I’m older things will change. Hoping that tomorrow will be that perfect day. Because lately it’s just been sadness, pain and tears. But like I said I’m sure there’s something awesome waiting for me. And I will be waiting and hunting for it.